It's only fair to warn you. I like the taste of raw, warm liver.


This is me in the snow. We got several inches during the night, and it's still snowing.

Sue had said there would be an early spring, and that it wouldn't get real cold again this winter. It's supposed to get down to zero tonight. Sue, it's still February, and it's still Colorado. Please, THINK before you prognosticate.


Lisle is accustomed to the couch.


Lisle finally got on the new couch. It took her long enough. She's afraid of everything. It's because she is so big. She sees everyone being afraid of her, and she thinks that is how you are supposed to act.


Sue got us a new couch. I'm not saying I don't like it. It's just not the style I would have picked, as I prefer a more mediterranean look.

We've never had a brand new couch before. I guess it's better than the old one that had been free, after a neighbor didn't want it. "Sure, I'll take it," she said. "I've got dogs." (What the hell was that supposed to mean?) There was nothing wrong with it, though, if you threw a blanket on it, and all she had to do to keep it clean was wash the blanket ten times a day.

Anyway, I don't know what she's been smoking, but I'd like to have some. She thinks it will be easier to keep clean, since it's leather. Can you say, "In your dreams?" Can you say, "I've got beach property in Denver to sell you?" She thinks all she has to do is wipe it once a day, and it will look good as new.

All I can say is, Lisle gets more mud in one paw than a mud wrestling box, so Sue, good luck with that clean couch dream you've got going on there.

But all in all, it's quite comfortable and color coordinates with the floor, especially after a good rain.


Okay so the new granddaughter arrived and us dogs have been relegated to a real dog's life and Sue is all too busy for us. At least we still eat. I'll give her that.


On Wednesday, when Sue makes dog food, we get to lick the pans. There are two pans. There are three dogs. If you do the math, it isn't pretty.

This day, however, Lisle was lying out in the snow in the front yard, fast asleep. So Pete got a pan, and I got a pan. We also get what is left over after Sue has packaged it all up for the freezer. For that, she called in Lisle, and we all three got an extra treat.

That is why Wednesday is my favorite day of the week.



Ever notice how Lisle's lips tend to mold to whatever she lays them on?

It's obvious to anyone with a modicum of discernability that we have, once again, got the couch dirty. I say, "That is why God made couch covers, and that is why God made washing machines to wash those couch covers."

Sue will often heave a big sigh when the weather outside gets frightful, knowing we're going to track in half of the back yard. But again, I must express my wish that she would take her own advice, which is: "In life, you don't always get what you want, and you don't always get what you need."


Sue likes to take pictures. Sadly, they are often blurry.

Sometimes when we're out in the backyard and I am fetching the ball, I fetch it once or twice, and then I lose interest. Number One, I am not a ball catching machine, and Number Two, it is a rather mundane and pointless activity. Well, her first response is, "Focus, Mac! Focus!"

Please. SHE'S telling ME to focus.

Sue likes to call this configuration, "Couch o' Dogs". Sometimes people like to sit on the couch too, but it is not our fault that the couch isn't big enough. We cannot change that.

I say we learn to accept the things we cannot change, have the courage to change what we can, and have the wisdom to know the meaning of "dibs on the couch".

"I'm telling you, it was Hernán Cortés who explored Mexico, and raped, plundered and pillaged the Aztec."

"Then who invaded New Mexico, Mr. Historian?"

"Francisco Vázquez de Coronado. You'll never win at Jeopardy."

"I like 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'"

"And Juan Ponce de León traipsed through the Everglades, exterminating the natives with smallpox. Common knowledge. Hernando de Soto explored the southeastern United States."

"And then they named a car after him. And they named a town in Colorado after Cortes, and Fender named a guitar after Coronado. A town in Florida is named after Ponce de León."

"If you don't know your history, you'll never win at 'Deal or No Deal.'"


This cat needs to get a job. This cat needs to get one of those jobs that Americans aren't willing to do, like neurosurgery or automobile manufacturing, construction, anything but lay around the house all day, snack, play video games and take naps.

But it's always the same excuse. "I have no thumbs!" I will concede that thumbs are needed for many occupations, but how about sheep herding? I think with a little training, good old-fashioned resourcefulness and encouragement, a cat could make a good sheep herder.

Therefore, I have formed the Cat Herders of America Corporation, and I am now recruiting all able-bodied cats to sign up at www.catherdersofamerica.com. Please remit only $985.00 to register. Thank you for your support.


Dudes for real used to call him "Old Blue Eyes," as he crooned a tune.

That night, there was only one old drunk in the smokey room, showing just pupil wide slits in his eyes, the color of bloody money. Old Blue Eyes gave away his soul every night, and got it back around four in the afternoon, when his head throbbed like the slow, heady beat of the bass on a still, sultry night in the city. No matter how empty the house, brothers could count on Old Blue to wring every drop out out of his pathetic, weeping heart.

He was REAL, man! He knew what he was talking about! For you see, Old Blue Eyes wasn't just working another joint on the strip. He was a cat who could dig it the most, yeah.

In our house, we are not vulgar barbarians. We follow the established rules of decorum that Sue taught us (except for Mac's blatant faux pas here of standing on the table).

We have learned civility and that all of society benefits when its individuals are compassionate and understand the concept of "sharing." We are not allowed to maim anyone whose turn it is to get the cheese.

Sue taught us how to behave with gentility and composure, the way she learned when she grew up, back when Genghis Khan raided China. What I don't understand is, why doesn't Sue take her own advice? Have you ever seen her eat?

It's like a one woman pie eating contest, and she's afraid she's going to finish second. It's like she thinks the pizza is still alive, and she has to maul it before it escapes. Talk about vulgar! It's the most despicable display of Neanderthal tooth and claw snarling since the first troglodytes clubbed each other over red meat.

I rise above her petty foibles, though, and am grateful for the holidays when she exercises the concept of sharing.

Pete is chewing on a faux bone, and my mission is to extricate it from his grasp. I don't argue. I don't fight. I simply wait. In our modern age of instant messaging, microwave popcorn and satellite feeds from Kabul, I am righteous in my talent to control my need for instant gratification.

I close my eyes, and eventually turn my head away, feigning disinterest. But I am always listening. It won't be long, and he'll run off to annoy the hell out of Mac. He'll come back, looking forward to continuing his chew, and have that famous look of surprise on his face when he sees his bone in my mouth. Precious!

At first, I was shocked. The was no more late night cuddling on the couch, watching Casablanca. There was no more baby talk to see if my heart desired anything. Life as I had known it ceased, and everything revolved around Him. His bowel movements were heralded like the Second Coming, and the first time he rolled over was celebrated as if the Rockies had won the World Bowl, or Super Series, something like that. My world had ended.

But since he's been strong enough to have a spine that supports his head, I'm beginning to see the benefits. Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Ever wonder about really old places and really dead people? Sumer, of course, was built in the sixth century BCE, about 55 miles south of present day Baghdad. The Zapotec people in Mexico were the first to cultivate corn and tomatoes in 6700 BCE. Norte Chico people in Peru were the first to cultivate cotton in 4200 BCE. The largest pyramid ever built, the Great Pyramid of Cholula in Mexico, was built at the same time as the Great Pyramid of Giza, Egypt.

So I put it to you, why are rock carvings of really dead people in really old places wearing helmets? Riding motorcycles? I don't think so!

This ball is all I have, in the whole world. I used to be somebody. I used to have a swimming pool. I used to have a farm with pigs and cows, and I had an entourage who were a bunch of "yes" men. I could get away with anything. I was above the law.

Then it happened. I found out the D.A. was not a "yes" man. Now, all that is left is this one little ball. It's all I have, in the whole world.

I'm worried about Mac.

My name is Mac. I am not packing heat. I do not use any kind of explosives or grenades. I do not engage in wiretapping, witness tampering, identity theft, and I do not pay any informants to access confidential police reports.

I have never been the subject of a piece for "America's Most Wanted," and I have never been convicted of racketeering charges. I had nothing to do with that wise-cracking, double-crossing dame. I never met her, and I don't know what she is talking about.

I was having this really funny dream where I started laughing in my sleep. I was on this spaceship, and... No wait, we were in the mall. No... Was it a movie I had seen? Well it was something like that. Oh, it was hilarious!

I like to pay my bills online (and on time), but I also use an Excel spreadsheet to tally up the damages. I enter all of the amounts due in one column, and then select all of those cells. Then I take a deep breath and click on that little icon that totals everything. Then I close my eyes.

I open one eye just enough to close the spreadsheet, without looking at the total. There is an old saying that says a fool and his money are soon parted, and I'm no fool!

I think they should make couches big enough so you can spread out comfortably, without having to drape a leg over the edge.

Sometimes, all you need to light your way is the warm fluorescence of a computer monitor, guiding you through the darkest of nights. Then, even if you are a stranger in a strange land, you are never really alone, never truly lost, and always in harmony with your essence.

There are some phrases in society that take hold like ringworm and won't go away. (I'm not saying I've had ringworm).

Take, for example, "talk to the hand." All it took was one person getting a little clever, and before you know it, everyone from Ryan Seacrest to Queen Elizabeth was holding up a palm and instructing what a person should be talking to.

This has had a rippling effect on communication in general. Studies have shown that many toddlers do not start speaking until the age of 43.

My quest is to change all that. My mission is to change "talk to the hand" to "talk to me, to my mind and spirit, and show me how I can better understand where you are coming from." If you're with me, put down those hands!

This is Lisle, pronounced "LEEsull", and named after the character "Liesl" in The Sound of Music. Sadly, I did not look up the correct spelling when I named her.

Liesl von Trapp was played by Charmian Carr. Her website is charmiancarr.com. Charmian Carr is pretty, yes, but is not quite as exotic as her namesake, born 43 years after Liesl sang Sixteen Going on Seventeen.

Lisle and Pete playing War. Lisle is on one political side, and Pete is on the other. It's actually a civil war, instigated by talking heads and politicians just for the ratings and their personal agendas. Eventually, due to the country's internal fighting, the Gauls swooped down from the northwest and conquered Rome.

Getting all three dogs in one image is like trying to photograph a wild snow leopard. It's possible, but the timing is critical, and you have to pretend like you just ACCIDENTALLY aimed the camera at them.

On Christmas, the underpants bomber exploded his own testicles in an attempt to kill the infidels. Snowflakes fell like tufts of 100% cotton Hanes and twinkled in the sunlight.


Don't hold back
Kiss me, fool
Take me in your arms
And have your way
Feel the heat,
Let yourself go
I am, after all,
your immortal tool.

When the marrow is gone, there is nothing left but to gnaw.

What causes an itch? If you can eliminate poison ivy, laundry detergent allergies, or any other kind of rash, what could it be?

One thing for sure is that to scratch an itch, and have it stop itching, is one of the most satisfying pursuits in the animal kingdom.

And remember, you can gauge your friends by how comfortable you feel scratching in front of them.

A thespian, having memorized his lines, often suffers from what is known in the industry as "stage fright."

This is Pete. He is a very inquisitive dog. Here, he is wondering whatever prompted man to bombard a nucleus with a neutron in the first place.

This is Mac, pondering time.

Is it just something our minds imagine, or is it real? Are memories just images we look at in the present, or images conjectured in the present as future realities? Ultimately, Mac concluded, it is up to us, as individuals, to find our own truths.

Then he gave a knowing wink and sauntered off with a smirk.

This is Lisle looking asleep, but actually weighing the current scientific and theological arguments over whether the Earth is round, flat or ovoid.


Shutter was clicked on January 1, 2010. This is a new year and a new day. This is a new morning, a new hour, and a new moment.

It is the end, and the beginning, just like now.